By Justin
Anyway, enough of my incoherent rambling. Let’s go to the ring!
WCW United States Championship: Sting (C) vs. Meng w/ Col. Parker
This is a return match from the previous month’s “Great American Bash”, which I haven’t seen. Sting & Meng squared off in the finals of the US Title Tournament, so this match is different because Sting is walking in as the champ. So sayeth Tony Schiavone. The first thing I notice before the match begins are the Slim Jim ring posts. WCW was known for taking their promotion too far and they didn’t shy away here. Not only is the Slim Jim logo plastered everywhere, but Schiavone and Heenan namedrop it seemingly every minute.
With both men in the ring, the bell rings. The crowd is behind Sting, who is on home turf, with his parents cheering him on from the crowd. We never get a shot of them, so it’s still a mystery if they wear face paint too. They start things off with punches, kicks, elbows and chokeholds. Both are just trying to feel each other out. It’s not until Meng hits a leg drop that the advantage swings in one man’s corner.
Meng gets in some chokeholds, but Sting fights out of them and applies some armbars. I think his strategy is to weaken the barbarian’s arms, that way to make him weaker. I’d go for the legs to take him off his feet and slow him down. Then again, if I were wrestling Meng, I’d be dead within five seconds. Sting is almost knocked out cold by a flying head butt, but he moves out of the way just in time.
He capitalizes on this by applying the Scorpion Deathlock. It seems like he has it won, but Col. Parker hops up on the apron. Despite not really doing anything, Sting lets go of the hold and attacks J.R.’s doppelganger. Kind of a dumb tactic, really. This gives Meng an opening to sneak attack the Stinger, which he does, knocking him to the outside.
He brings him back onto the apron and clocks him headfirst into the turnbuckle. I wonder if it tasted like Slim Jims. He suplexes Sting back into the ring, awkwardly dropping him on his head. He hits him with a couple of backbreakers for a near fall. He continues to work the back and applies an abdominal stretch. Sting escapes and connects with a sunset flip for a near fall. Meng tries to do the same, but Sting lands directly on his face. The Scorpion Assdrop?
Meng quickly gets back on top, applying a Boston Crab. Heenan argues that, since they’re in Huntington Beach, it’s not technically a Boston Crab. It’s just a regular one. I chuckled. Sting retaliates with a back suplex. He hits a couple of clotheslines, a back drop, a flying Thesz Press. He almost gets caught in a power bomb, but reverses that into a Hurricarana pin for a near fall.
Sting hits a cross body off the middle rope, then sets up for the Stinger Splash. He jumps high into the air, only to eat a boot to the face. Sick spot! Meng finally connects with a splash off the top rope, but only gets two. Sting quickly rolls him up for the three count. Underwhelming finish, to be honest. Meng attacks Sting afterward, with Road Warrior Hawk making the save. Road Warrior Animal was making sand castles, apparently.
Final Score: 6.5/10
WCW Television Championship: The Renegade (C) w/Jimmy Hart vs. “Mr. Wonderful” Paul Orndorff
Paul Orndorff is supposed to be the heel in this match, but he’s clearly loved by the board heads in attendance. Renegade gets shit on as soon as he comes out, probably because nobody likes a bargain bin Ultimate Warrior. He tries to act as crazy as Mr. Hellwig, but is met with disapproval from the crowd. Mr. Wonderful doesn’t like it either, starting the match off with a knee to the gut. He quickly grounds him and goes for the leg.
The Renegade fights back with some clotheslines. “Wonderful” chants break out. Paul goes tumbling to the outside, with Warrior Lite dragging him into the ring by the hair. He holds on for quite a while, making me wonder why the ref didn’t disqualify him. He transitions this into a headlock, even running around with the ring with it cinched in. I’ll admit, that was a cool spot. It’s at this point Tony & Bobby argue about The Renegade’s sanity. Tony tries to argue he’s a good athlete, which Heenan retorts, “He’s a heck of an athlete, but he’s still nuts!” Touche.
The Renegade hits a pathetic dropkick to the gut. This isn’t the first time in this match he’s botched a dropkick. Paul rolls to the outside and grabs some sand, tossing it into the Renegade’s face. This garners cheers because fuck the Renegade! Orndorff shows R how to do a dropkick, executing a beautiful one. “Wonderful” chants start up again.
Orndorff goes for a spike piledriver, but he gets back dropped for his troubles. The Renegade hits more weak dropkicks, as I continually face palm. They look more like bicycle kicks by somebody who doesn’t know how to ride a bike. He can hit a solid power slam, though, which he executes on Mr. Wonderful. Paul responds by tossing his opponent to the outside, which causes R to throw a temper tantrum. What a crybaby! No wonder nobody likes him.
Jimmy Hart calms him down and gets him back into the ring. He comes back with a vengeance (well, more like a whimper), nailing a belly to back suplex for the win. The crowd shits all over this, with Paul exacting revenge (for them?) by finally nailing the spike piledriver. The Renegade no-sells it like it were a Pedigree and hits a flying cross body. The crowd boos him mercilessly.
Final Rating: 2.5/10
Hacksaw Jim Duggan vs. Kamala w/“The Taskmaster” Kevin Sullivan
I understand the appeal of Hacksaw Jim Duggan & Kamala, but I don’t see the appeal in throwing them in a match together. All they’re going to do is club each other like baboons. That gets old real quick. And that’s basically all this match is. Whenever Hacksaw gets the advantage, Sullivan would yell “Hulkamania”, which would cause Kamala to go on a rampage. The same thing happens to Marty Jannetty when you yell “Cocaine”.
Kamala utilizes some armbars & bear hugs, Duggan punches and bites his way out (nothings says America better than cannibalism) and they repeat this over and over again. The finish comes when Sullivan hops onto the apron. Just like Sting earlier, Duggan idiotically stops what he’s doing to punch the guy who technically hasn’t done anything wrong, allowing the Zodiac to enter with a…stick, I think, and blast Jim with it. Kamala gets the victory.
Final Rating: 1/10
Diamond Dallas Page w/Max Muscle & Diamond Doll vs. Dave Sullivan w/Ralph the Rabbit
This match came about because Dave Sullivan has a crush on Diamond Doll and DDP is jealous. Why he’s jealous since he’s the one who has her is beyond me. Stupid jock! Dave is treated like the Hunchback of Notre Dame by Heenan, which elicits some laughs. Before the match starts, a little Hulkamaniac gives Diamond Doll some flowers, which makes DDP explode. Even pre-pubescent boys are a threat to him!
Dave starts things off by blind siding DDP from behind when he was yelling at Diamond Doll. Throughout the match, he’ll proclaim he’s defending her honor and make googly eyes at her. A good twist would be that he had eyes for Max Muscle all along, but that’s not the case. He takes the flowers and shoves them down Page’s throat, then suplexes him into the ring (he was on the apron).
DDP finally gets the upper hand when Dave is too busy staring at Doll. He chokes him with his foot in the corner, then clotheslines him for good measure. Sullivan catches him in a bear hug, but Page pokes him in the eyes to escape. He goes for the flying knee, but misses and gets caught on the top rope. Dave bashes his skull into the turnbuckle five times. He goes for a piledriver, but is distracted by Max Muscle. Like every other dumb face tonight, he lets go of the hold, goes to attack Max and eats a Diamond Cutter for his troubles. DDP wins in a quick and painful match.
Final Rating: 2.5/10
Triangle Match for the WCW Tag Team Championship: Harlem Heat (C) w/Sherri vs. The Nasty Boys vs. The Bluebloods
This match would’ve worked so much better had it been elimination style. That way, it could’ve flowed better and you could’ve had the Bluebloods constantly try to not get tagged in. They don’t have to start the match, as the coin toss determines that Harlem Heat and The Nasty Boys do. This doesn’t stop everybody from brawling, which is admittedly fun.
For most of the match, it’s each guy getting tagged in every minute or so and double teaming somebody with their partner. One point it’s Booker in peril, the next it’s William Regal. It’s a sound strategy and it works for awhile, but grows tiresome. This is why the elimination style would’ve been better. You wouldn’t have them constantly breaking up pins and trying to stay in the ring.
One good spot sees Sherri clock Eaton on the outside. This happens quite a bit whenever a wrestler goes outside (though Sherri’s not usually doing the punching). The finish sees The Nasty Boys (who are massively over) back body drop Booker T onto Regal, then Knobbs goes for a running splash. Sags sits on both for the pin, but the referee deduces that it was Booker that got the winning pinfall. The reasoning being that Sags was only sitting on Regal, with Booker’s arm draped over William, as well. Wouldn’t that make this a tie? Asinine ending aside, the wrestlers did their best. The sudden death gimmick held this back, though.
Final Rating: 5/10
Lifeguard Match: Randy Savage vs. Ric Flair
Speaking of a gimmick holding a match back, it’s time for the Lifeguard match. This is just a lumberjack match, but since we’re at the beach, we’re calling the wrestlers lifeguards. Ugh! Some of the cast members from “Baywatch” come to ringside on their break from filming to watch the contest. They heard oiled men surrounding two dueling fellows and thought David Hassellhoff was getting into a fight with the catering manager again.
Just like Sting’s parents were at ringside, so is Randy’s father. That’s right, the legendary Angelo Poffo gets to witness first hand a Lifeguard match. The poor bastard. Truth be told, this was a decent match, which shouldn’t be surprising considering who’s involved. The problem is they had to repeat themselves by constantly throwing one another out of the ring, only to get tossed back in.
There are face and heel lifeguards, so they brawl occasionally. The Nasty Boys and Harlem Heat have at it again, making you wonder who’s bright idea it was to put them next to each other. The reasoning behind this match was that Flair kept running away from Savage in their “Great American Bash” match the previous month, so this will prevent that from happening. He is able to sneak by the lifeguards and get to the aisle way, but they drag him back in. It was worth a try!
Inside of the ring, the two exchange various chops and punches. Flair naturally works over the leg, at one point dragging Randy into the corner, ascending to the top rope (with leg in hand) and flipping off the top, essentially snapping his leg. It looked better than it sounds. He gets the Figure Four in at one point, but Macho is able to turn it over.
It’s at this point that Arn Anderson starts to get involved. Randy clocks him in the face, being smarter than the faces from the previous matches and doing so while walking by him, not breaking up a hold. He hit’s a few flying axe handles to set up for the Elbow Drop, but Arn sneaks in again (when Ric’s on the outside) and hits a DDT. This almost gives Ric the victory, but Randy gets his shoulder up at the last second. Flair, being the loveable idiot that he is, goes to the top for an axe handle, but is tossed off. By 1995, that never worked, so why did he keep trying? Maybe the hair bleach seeped into his brain, causing minor fits of ineptitude.
Savage takes this opportunity to hit two more flying axe handles and finally connect with the Elbow Drop. He gets the victory and Daddy Poffo celebrates. Daddy Poffo sounds like a good pimp name. Anyway, this was a decent match, but a step down from their previous affairs. The Lifeguard gimmick didn’t help matters.
Final Rating: 5.5/10
Steel Cage for the World Heavyweight Championship: Hulk Hogan w/Jimmy Hart & Dennis Rodman vs. Vader
That’s right, the Hulkster recruited Dennis Rodman to be in his corner for this big title match. He actually gives him a job, that being to guard the door. If anybody from the Dungeon of Doom leaves the set of “Legends of the Hidden Temple” and tries to interfere, he’ll take them out. He also gave Jimmy Hart a job. If Dennis Rodman can’t take care of them by himself, he’ll scream in their eyes with his megaphone. They’ll go running like a scolded dog. I may have made that last part up.
Vader comes out wearing the awesome Mastadon helmet and he actually brings it into the cage. He perches it on the turnbuckle and you can bet your ass it gets used. Why your betting your ass is beyond me, but it’s your life; I won’t judge. The spot in question revolves around both Hogan & Vader being thrown headfirst into it. Hogan at one point puts it on and head butts Vader. It was pretty awesome!
Speaking of Hogan, he wastes no time in starting this match. He jumps in and immediately tosses Vader headfirst into the cage. The two duke it out, trading punches and throwing each other into the cage. Not great psychology, but mindless fun. It’s paced really well and the crowd is lively, so it’s a step up from the previous matches. That’s right, this is a step up from Savage vs. Flair. I’m just as surprised as you are.
That’s not to say this a great match. It gets repetitive and relies too heavily on Hogan hulking up. They sell the fact that he struggles to body slam the big man, but he eventually does so. Props to Hogan on selling his back afterward, but he forgets about that quickly. Vader gets the advantage for awhile, tossing Hogan around like a rag doll. At one point, he nonchalantly suplexes the Hulkster. He lifted him up into position, then casually dropped him to the floor. It made me laugh.
Vader hits quite a few splashes from the middle rope, but Hogan won’t stay down. If you’re asking why, you’ve clearly never seen a Hulk Hogan match and I envy you. Hogan finally gets the big man down on the mat with some big boots and hits two leg drops. The Taskmaster & Zodiac try to interfere, but Rodman swats them away with a chair. Instead of pinning Vader, he climbs out to escape. The Mastadon catches him before he can escape, but gets crotched on the ropes for his efforts. Hogan escapes and retains the title. Not a masterpiece by any means, but good fun.
Final Rating: 6.5/10
Just as the show is about to go off the air, Ric Flair comes down to the ring and chews Vader out for losing. Vader gets pissed and grabs him by the throat, prompting Arn Anderson to come and make the save. The two hightail it out of there and Vader challenges them to a Handicap match. I guess that happened on a Nitro at some point. This was kind of pointless, but we did get Heenan begging to leave, which I thought was pretty funny.
Overall, this was an average show. It started out fine with Sting/Meng, but went downhill fast. It’s not until the Tag Title match that the show starts to pick back up and even then that and the Lifeguard match were only adequate. I think the reason I enjoyed the Steel Cage match as much as I did is because it broke up the monotony. That and Hogan wore the Mastadon Helmet and head butted Vader with it. How can you not love that?
Final Rating: 5/10
